Almost every time I'm alone, I seem to be thinking about anything and everything. While this might seem like a good thing, it's been going on for years and it's the feeling that your brain can't switch off even if I wanted to. Conceptualisation,planning, probability, imagination, possibility, calculations, what if scenarios. Just a few of the things currently running through my head at this point in time. Of course, coupled with the distrust of people, paranoia sets in and as such I start to think about what people think of me, being self-conscious and overdoing it. As much as I wish for it to stop, it won't. Just like a clock, no matter how much you tell it to stop, the only way is to take out the batteries. This is my burden and my blessing. This makes the the clock tick properly.

It feels like I'm starting to lose my emotions gradually...Anger, fear, happiness,everything feels so...dead. I'm starting to drift towards a state of apathy and I just don't seem to be able to enjoy these emotions as much as I did a few years ago. It's painful.Terribly. To know that I'll be unable feel anything at a certain point of time makes it just so painful to endure the journey there. I wish I knew what to do or how to feel about anything or anyone. I've been living my life trying to emulate those emotions to try and just...be human. It feels so fake, being a liar to everyone because I have no true self to show anyone. Just a mask...Or is the mask my true self? I don't know anymore...and I've been thinking too much about this for the past decade or so. Being human is...hard.

Enjoying the solitude right now... alone in a big room with 2 beds and utter silence. Peace and calm lull me to bed. Well being in a big apartment has its own good and bad. Good thing is freedom and so much free time to do whatever I want. Bad thing is there's too much. So much so that it's causing boredom and nothing to do. Well having to go back to school from 9-5 makes it even worse. I go back to school for nothing but slacking.